The is the end. My last typed thought. The last entry of my 8 year tirade. I've enjoyed posting random entries, but lately it seems my options of displacement are limited. Thank you for reading whatever you have read. I hope life is as good to you as it is to me.

I've met a lot of good people in my life. Unfortunately, though, some have come and gone. I know I have my flaws, but I also know that everyone else has there own. Some people set high expectations for me, and when I turn out to be a bit different than what their expectations set, they blame me. Even worse are some people in that they view me as the villain, and in turn, victimize themselves. I can never hate, dislike, or be upset at any of you because you are great people. I hope that one day we can be friends again. If not though, I accept that. At the moment, I have two people in my life that have shown me this. Allie met me at party I went to sometime in the winter. She was a great person, though all my friends beg to differ. Yet even though I always enjoyed any time I spent with her, I'm pretty sure there was only one or two times that we hung out were she was sober. She was also going through some legal issues and went to school a few hours away. She also initiated any kind of step towards whatever we were together. And I kept pushing for her not to be afraid and to try it. She had constantly reminded me that she had a lot of baggage, but I was still willing. Like I said earlier, I don't think she acknowledged the fact that I too had my own problems, but I kept assuring her that we could make it work. And now, after some time has passed, and some things between us still go unanswered, it would seem that she wants nothing to do with me. Well I am here Allie. You don't owe me anything. You certainly are not obligated. But I hope one day we can talk. For even under all the mess that has amassed itself, we can salvage a friendship. It is never too late.

I am made of clay
I am always changing shapes
Different hands directed by intentions are constantly molding me
I have been a weapon of terrible destruction
I have been a tool to be used and discarded
I have been a puppet whose puppeteer has no use for anymore
That and so much more is what I am
No complaints, just observation
My body is old, my clay is drying
It is becoming harder to mold me
My sculptors are becoming uneasy
They will lose control of me
I will mold myself in the end
After which, no hand can touch me

I just saw the movie, the Watchmen, the other night. I was already thinking how I am as a person and how human nature effects me. The movie made me feel like I have been wrong. I always strived to be a good man. A man who listens, who pleases, who works hard for what I've got. Except lately I feel like I've reverted to the jack ass that most good men try to avoid. I NEED to come back. I can't keep going the same path I have been.

I miss you. I intentionally do, see, listen to things that remind me of you. I wish I had more time with you. It just blew past like one amazing day I will never forget, only to live everyday after knowing how I felt and not having it anymore. One day, maybe, we can once again be friends and love eachothers presence as if we never skipped a beat.


One day...

I know I have no money. Normally I don't really care what people think about me or how they expect me to be when it comes to how I live my life. But I feel embarrassed going to a class that I don't have the materials or books for. I am seen more as a slacker for not having them, but the truth is I didn't have money to buy them. I guess I just hate feeling poor. I am by no means suffering. I have food in my refrigerator and clothes on my back. But I hate feeling unprepared for something I know I can do well because I don't have money. I know I will be ok because I always work things out, but the feelings are still there. Worse is the feeling that comes with asking someone for money. "Hey, can you let me borrow some money, I'm incapable of taking care of myself." I know I can get there though, I just need patience. Things like this take time to learn or repair itself.

I only fully care about a few people in my life. I trust very easy, and I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt. That is how I treat people though, and I don't expect that from anyone else. But I do expect people I care about and who equally care for me to give me the benefit of the doubt. I am not a liar. I don't purposefully try to hurt people. And I don't act or pretend to be someone I am not. For any of my dearest friends or loved ones to assume otherwise is just unfair. I expect that from strangers, but not from them.

I am posting these things now because I'm trying to avoid bottling things up. These are barely problems, if you can call them that. I am actually very happy now. I just need to let things out.

Perspective. Something I can normally gain without trying. Except this time I didn't. I haven't for a while. It's almost like that saying "I was lost but now I am found." I found in me something dusty that needed to be brought back out. Of coarse the troll on the bridge taxed me at a high price, but what are lessons without tribulations? Now I know what I want and what I need to do. For one, I no longer fear emulating my step fathers life. I have already risen above that, even before all these problems came up. I am currently on a very effective budget. And even though I have shown a side of me to the people I care about most that I have not shown anyone, ever, I still consider this to be progressive. For who am I without my never minor, epic fuck ups?

My sister is about to go into surgery. I feel like asking you to make sure she'll be ok is stupid so instead I'm just praying that she will be. I love her more than anything in my life. She is why I am who I am today. I am always there for her. I know she knows all of this. I guess I'm just scared. So I'll pray for her and ask for strength and courage.

I need your help. I'm lost and I don't know where to go. I thought I was feeling depressed, but now it seems I don't even know what I feel. I never usually let myself feel much. I try to just bottle it up and worry about it later. I guess I have no more room and what I'm feeling is everything coming out. Problem is, I don't have it in me to worry. Just help me rise above all this. I am often and gladly a stepping stone to a better life for a lot of people. Now I need to step up, and I know only you can help me.

What is the point of excessive drinking? Do the perks out weigh the negatives? I grew up with the only father figure in a reasonable distance spending his afternoons(after 3pm) being drunk off his ass. I always told myself that I wish he didn't remember how he treated me. Because if he did, than I would have hoped he would not keep doing it. Because if he woke up the next morning remembering what happened the night before, than he SHOULD not want to make me feel the way I do. I feel hurt because I always thought of him as another father figure(basically another father). I would often ask him for advice for problems in my life, or seek guidance in certain issues. But the fact that that I was always left home alone with him and he would pick fights turned out to be a big problem in my life. I eventually learned to shut my mouth and never talk about my problems. I eventually learned how to completely not share how I felt with ANYONE. I became emotionally hollow. Now I know who I am and I know that his alcohalism can't shape me. I can actually talk about how I feel. Even though I resort to alcohal to solve problems, I feel like it's less of a problem. I don't want to completely dump everything on him. But at the same time I feel like it has definitely shaped me. I am stronger than all of this. I just need faith to pull me through. I just hate how sometimes he acts like everything is ok. It's not ok. I hate you. I hate what I went through. I am who I am because of my life, though. I wouldn't ask for it any other way. Except I am drunk right now and I want to drink so much more. I feel like I am ok with it.

I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK
I CANNOT BE A DRUNK

















please...

I know, I know. I tell myself everyday. "You are only human. Do the best you can at being an honest man to yourself and those around you and everything else will fall into place." And you always tell me to go with what my heart tells me. Except this time I don't know what that is. I'm confusing myself and I hate that I can't think straight. I know where I want to be at this point, but I can't get there. I know it will be shown to me in time because that's how it always is, but I feel overwhelmed. The only thing to do now is go to sleep and wake up with a smile on my face and an optimistic outlook. If all else fails, I know I can always fall back on that.

It's like every time I think I know where I am with you, you show me something else that is even more incredible than what I have seen thus far. I guess that's why I've always loved you. You make every aspect of life beautiful and you let me see it, if only for a brief moment. As always, I will spend the rest of my life showing you how grateful I am.

Dear Carlos,
When you, for some introspective reason, look back at this entry remember the last 4 months of 2008. You broke up with Kate. After almost 3 years, you called it off because it was best for both of you. Remember the job opportunity you got from Game On. One of your best friends, Ed, went to fight in the war. You and Christian spoke of philosophies the ancients would envy. Peter grew into a great respectable man. You had one of the most interesting and equally embarrassing drunken moments in your life to that point. But even now as you read this you don't regret it. You realized you were in control of what happens in school. Fuck, you realized you were in control of a lot of things in your life. I hope you are still as optimistic and honest with yourself and everyone in your life as you were when you typed this. Make sure you keep a clear head and an open mind like you always have.

With hope and humility,
Carlos

I have built my home. I am done hunting the deer, I now move on to hunting the mammoth. I no longer seek the lonesome day, but instead wish to meet the future. The clothes I live in are the embodiment of each passing day. No longer am I a nomad in the woods of my home. I am a man with purpose and truth in my eyes. Nothing can take that.

Last night was awkward only because I was in the kitchen and 2 guys saw my man goodies. Other than that, I woke up happy for the first time in too long. I am hoping I wasn't too pushy. I can't even comprehend what it might of been like. But I will be sure to talk about it.

Who knows. Based on first impressions, there are truly amazing people left in this world.

I hate myself. I am a horrible human being. I deserve nothing.

Why do I keep thinking all these thoughts? All I can apparantly do is hurt. No more. I can't.

So besides the fact that I have to move out by the end of December, I have to also get car insurance under my own name. Never mind enjoying my holidays and trying to bring a happy face to all those I care about. I have to save money and move into my own place. But whatever, I will be way happier moving out of this house and away from my drunken loser step-father. I would much rather struggle and be on my own than be stuck here. My mother thinks I am sheltered and need to learn how to survive on my own. She also thinks I take her and Al for granted. Of coarse I disagree, but she will never understand why. I've explained it so many times in different ways. Apparently disrespecting Al because he's a stupid drunk asshole is a hard concept to understand. Eh, I hope one day she'll understand. I don't want my mother to be alone, but I wish she didn't pick him. I would give all those years of him helping to pay the mortgage and things for me back if I could. I don't care how hard he worked for it, it's not worth the way things are now. So here's to being a better father. More than he could've ever been.

Now to the main reason why I'm posting at 5:50 in the morning. As I was driving home from the Courthouse Estates area, I saw a cop car with his lights on at the Princess Anne Rd light. As I stopped to make sure he didn't need the right of way, a van cam speeding through, turned left to continue on Princess Anne rd, followed by four police cars. A police officer from the car that was stopped came out and pulled up road spikes from the road he had apparently laid out earlier to pop the vans tires. I tried to follow but than realized that would be stupid. I have never seen a car chase before in my life. The craziest thing about this all was that not half a mile before that point I almost veered into the other lane because I was so tired and falling asleep. I said to myself that I need something to keep me up. So life answered with a car chase and now I'm so pumped I could punch a cheerleader. And now I can't sleep either.

Man, I know my limit but when I tell myself to stop I forget that I did and wind up with another drink in my hand. I have to try really hard next time to stay focused and not forget. I felt so disoriented this morning. I also threw up last night, which would be embarrassing if I cared, but I don't. Funny thing about all this? I'm still a little drunk right now.

I have been tricked yet again! Or have I? I'm going to have to say no, because I definitely saw this coming. It was worth it though, just for that brief time. Maybe with some time things will be different. Maybe then I can try it on good terms. I am always optimistic, even though I am often put in bad situations. No reason to live otherwise.

I hate waiting. I am definitely an impatient man. I want things then and now, if only to spend less time waiting and more time doing. I have learned my lesson. Oh karma gods, who have so meticulously kept balance in the world, please show me mercy. I am a better man because of this, but I don't know how much more I can take.

I must push on...